End of term musings

Rainy season is here. A steady shower all day. I'm at that point in the year where I can't believe I will be packing up soon to return to the states for a visit. That 10 months always seems so far off on the front end, then one day it is here. Besides that, despite the rain, the occasional bursts of Caribbean sunlight, heat and humidity don't jive with what my brain tells me should coincide with writing "November" at the top of my journal this week. I am down is Roatan for a few days doing a lot of reflecting, praying and abiding. It's good timing. I needed an imposed respite and space for processing.

What a year it is. God has shared so much of his work with us and it has been remarkable to witness his care, and sovereignty. Thinking of Joseph and how he could say with trust in the goodness of God that what was intended for harm would be used for good. Back in the spring I nearly tapped out for a time.  Circumstances were hard and I wasn't snapping back. It was a time of clinging on and being held on to. What I am blessed to see now is how Jesus is working his purposes in spite of theses things, even directly using them. As a result we ended up meeting some political figures in a private audience. Much transpired and more moved forward towards justice and righteousness than I could have dreamed. I felt like a drink offering pored out so that others may receive the blessing to flourish.

The community is at the brink of so much and stepping forward. Many are tentative, but then aren't most of us when we step into what we don't yet know? I'm delighted at the growth and transformation I see in our team as Jesus draws us ever closer to his heart, building into us greater passion for his world purpose. I'm been dwelling a lot on the way that I seek the Lord and in turn how that directs how I pray. Psalm 27 speaks of one thing. The kingdom of Jesus embodies everything that is His beauty, peace, righteousness, etc. Constantly praying to be a demonstration of his love, or work for his glory, asking for wisdom on decisions or opportunities. But this one thing: to see Jesus lifted high, honored, loved, worshipped, in all the earth.  Praying to that end and then setting the heart, emotions, mind toward that end. To be so centered, not on a task, or even a purpose, but on the King himself.

Well the rain has ceased for the moment so I think a walk down the beach is in order.

Unreached People Groups

This year my team has been going through this hefty book Perspectives on the World Christian Movement.  It's amazing.  Our bi-monthly Skype session with our class leader covered chapter 8 this week.  It was fantastic.  Aside from that we've been taking a look at various resources, publications and organizations mobilizing, equipping, and informing the Church of the work yet to be done in accomplishing the Great Commission.  If you've never taken a look at it, Joshua Project is an amazing source for information on unreached people groups.  Every morning I get an email telling about a group of people somewhere in the world that have yet to know and experience Jesus.  In the middle of my morning journal and coffee date with Jesus today I was thinking of the role that God shares with his people in His Mission to save, restore, recreate and bring His kingdom.  In His kingdom will be those from every tribe, language, peoples (Rev. 7:9).  Thus, the commission and responsibility to take the news and invitation of the kingdom to every tribe, language and people.

So in the midst of Jesus stirring my heart more and more for the unreached, this American comes to speak at a small local church while on vacation.  All of a sudden he has the audacity to state that the whole world has been evangelized.   Honestly, I was in shock.  I'm looking around at the small congregation, a people group who have been preached a gospel muddied by denominationalism, humanism, legalism, and a lot of weird historical influence.  I'm considering my life here, and that we strive to make the Gospel known, to disciple and invite people into kingdom community.  The verses may have been said. But the hearts have yet to turn from other things.  Life in Jesus is not an add-on to what we already have.  It means the death of all the old and the birthing of what is new.  More than anything his statement saddens me because we delay the beautiful coming of the Kingdom if we believe there's no more work to be done, no more mission to live out.  (Matthew 24:14)   And in places like this, we lose the heart to give our lives for theirs.  I want to see hastened the day when all peoples hear for such a glorious moment awaits the completion of the mission:  The coming of our King.  The righting of all that is wrong. Healing of all that is broken. Perfect, unhindered, magnificently glorious fellowship with the most colorful and diverse family imaginable and our Father.  Thy Kingdom Come, Thy Will Be Done.

The Rescuer: Themes in a Story Retold

This last week as part of our staff/team morning meetings, we were asked to write in 1000 words or so about how God has worked in our lives. ( I've been wondering this week what I might share with you and will offer what resulted).  This type of thing, when it's not in a real-life conversation, often brings the "where do you start?" question, and how do you fit 30 years (or, 50, 60...) into a manageable recounting?  As I was praying and asking God what he is currently showing me, from my own little piece of story, He really highlighted a theme of a Rescuer, weaving it into how the story flowed.  I'd never seen so clearly some of the specific lies along this theme and how they hinder me from dwelling in the presence of God. Ultimately, he's magnifying how Jesus is and has proven to be always better.

 I remember as a little girl knowing God was out there and I’d dance and sing and pray to him. There was a feeling of security and unhindered being.  I’m the oldest in my family and early on was told how grown up I was, how responsible.  Somewhere I picked up that value came from acting a certain way that peopled called mature.  It came from being responsible, not making mistakes, not acting like a kid.  Soon added to that, was an early awareness of my appearance and the belief that it wasn’t right.  I had a distorted idea of beauty, of self.  And very early I shifted to living in a fearful, insecure state, unsure of love, never feeling that I belonged.  I just was’t right for the world.  Even in the midst of that I had a sense of God, but coupled with my fears, I felt an incredible sense of guilt that I’d just failed and didn’t measure up.

The distortions in my beliefs and sense of who I was made it impossible to be rightly oriented to relationships with anyone.  Self, others, God.  Family grew increasingly messy and eventually my folks split up.  Identity was something never to actually grasp.  I was desperate for rescue. I felt like I was suffocating. I struggled with suicidal thoughts. I believed lies and they took root in my heart and head of my “unworthiness”, failure, lack.  Purpose, worth and acceptance were always somewhere “out there”, nebulous.  I always fell short.  I created stories, imagining being rescued, sought out, pursued.  Or I would try to be the rescuer, the savior.  Since I had such a bent toward feeling shame and a lot of religious pressure from my childhood, I found a cover up in volunteering and serving - it gave a sense of having a role, a place.  At least I couldn’t be rejected for not contributing to mankind. I looked good on the outside.  But I had no way to accept love or really love others.  

I was a mess.  I was emotionally all over the place. I was a train wreck in relationships.  I’d get close and then pull back.  It seemed every relationship ended in rejection.  Never reconciliation. No one ever came back to pursue me.  I believed all I was was something to be rejected; what I craved was acceptance. I’d cry out to God, and slowly, through many things in my life falling apart, he started to open my eyes.  For me, it wasn’t a one moment, everything became clear and felt radically different for ever. kind of thing.  I didn’t trust people.  They always ended up rejecting and hurting me.  I began to be aware that Jesus was building trust with me.  Showing me HIS love.  He started to take away things that I ran to to save me from my pain.  At first this made me really upset and scared.  But over time, I’m realizing the things he took away were really keeping me from actually knowing His love.  

I knew a lot about Jesus and said I believed in him from the time I was really young, but it took a long time and a lot of hurting before I actually started to let him into my life in a way that began to change me.  He was the savior I’d been dreaming of. He was the ultimate rescuer in every story.  He is the one that risked everything to come find me, and save me.  Jesus died on the cross.  He paid for my unbelief, all the walls and barriers and distortions that my choosing lies caused in my soul.  He broke the power of these lies, of the sinful patterns in my life - stealing, hiding, fantasizing. I came to know him as he ardently pursued my heart to bring Truth to shine, even at times when I’d revert to patterns of self-preservation.   I began to respond and reach out and say “yes” to the life he offered me.  He kept pursuing the unbelieving parts of my soul and keeps revealing roots of lies and sin so that relationship with him can be restored.  I would come a little closer to him and see the beautiful effects and I’d want to give into it more, to fall to his wooing.  The freedom he was offering me from everyone else’s claim on me was so sweet, and felt like I was finally breathing clean air.  

Because of Jesus so much is changing in my life.  As a result of my relationship with God becoming rightly aligned, I’m finding I can truly engage with people, love them without needing anything back.  I can enjoy relationships without desperately seeking worth from them.  I’m ever more resting in the truth that I belong to Jesus. That I am more loved than I ever dreamed possible.  And out of that loved place, I can serve the world and the King who has rescued me.  I’m coming to rest that He accomplishes His work, and I don’t have to strive out of my willpower to do something to please him.  That he has purposes far beyond my just behaving “good”.  Instead it’s about enjoying and resting in his GOODNESS.  Jesus is becoming more and more the center of my awareness and existence, the focus of my life.  I just want to be near him, hang out and learn of who he is.  He’s showing me that I don’t have to upgrade the story of my life -my existence, my part in the world - by working hard in some way.  Worth isn’t tied to my performance or behavior or appearance.  Righteousness (“right-ness”) is mine fully because of Jesus. Shame is taken away.  I’m accepted as his daughter, loved regardless of how the day goes.  Hope, confidence, peace. All because of Jesus.  He claimed my life and offered me His in return and it’s far more than anything I ever hope for. He is the rescuer I longed for.  

It’s really a work in progress.  Some days seem more a battle to leave behind the old ways than others, yet He continues that road of building trust and proving that I will not be cast off or rejected.  That he is always with me.

Who doesn't love a rainy Saturday?

The sea was so still yesterday. Unusually so.  The clouds in the distance come nightfall: there are scenes here sometimes so startling that you'd think they were only possible in a CG rendering.  Strange for mid May to wake in the early hours needing a blanket.  A gentle rain had settled in and continues this morning.  Things are quiet and cool, a welcome respite this Saturday following a busy, hot week.  I have no problem hanging out with the houseplants this morning, catching up on the list of things that never quite gets done.  There were multiple parties in the school this week to celebrate Mother's Day.  The local community board is working on further developments at the Children's park next door.  Medical rounds in the community and working in the clinic.

Mid-week a lady came to the clinic.  She sat in my office for a while as we covered the needs and ailments.  This process is different than back in the states.  Patients rarely come out with everything right on the front end.  We chat and discuss one issue at a time, sometimes having to back track as new information surfaces throughout the conversation.  Often after handing out meds and getting things settled, a new piece of the story will surface.  After some time my patient began to express not only her physical  concerns, but opened up to share some anxieties and concerns she was having, opening up some very vulnerable places in her heart and that she desires to grow closer to the Lord.  She knew by heart a passage that she'd been reading this week.  So we spent some time discussing what the work of Jesus means for her situation and prayed together.  She feels convicted about some things in her life and the mis-understanding that her sin causes God to move away from her leaves her feeling hopeless, trying to be better but failing yet again.  Later in the week my intern and I discussed this further.  That while sin (choosing to live our way for our own glory vs. living His way for Him) breaks our fellowship with and enjoyment of the Father's love, it does not cast us out of family, out of relationship, if indeed we believe in Jesus for our righteousness.   This is very contrary to the religion of the island that says your behavior and performance merit you righteousness.  Pray for them.

A day called "today"

The moon so bright it casts shadows.  As Tuesday comes to a close, it's just been a sweet day.  I have all these intentions of sharing with you things that are happening, ways that we see God working, but usually the moment passes. Something comes up. And since I can't find a moment to write more than a snap-shot of the day, I just give up. Well today you get a snap-shot.  This will never do justice to it and I wish I could beam you over for an hour so you could taste the delicious breeze and soak in the laughter and squeals of school children.  Every day here is unpredictable.  Sure there may be some general patterns; sure school is scheduled between 1:30 and 5:00.  What takes place in the 24 hours called "today", well that is just always yet to be told.  Began the morning with my team as we prayed and got on the same page. (We're going through The Gospel Primer from Missio Publishing if you or your community is looking for a read).  Spent an hour or so with a friend for mutual exchanges of language, i.e. English class.  Then a sweet young lady stopped by to chat and being as she is deaf, we signed and laughed and caught up since our last time together.  Then there were trips to the medical clinic throughout the day as needs arose.  Some precious time teaching a math lesson in 2nd grade.  A random and lovely 10 minutes out at the playground with a lady and her baby. It was a gorgeous island afternoon with a cool breeze.  We've been working with her and praying; oh what joy to see her growing confidence, faith, efficacy and partnership.  One of my favorite moments today was coming out the door at recess and all the first graders are huddled at the feet of a vary animated 6 year old "reading" to them from Dr. Seuss.  It's now time to call it a day.  Hopeful that there will be no emergencies in the night.  Grateful to share in this day, in this play, with this community.  Sometimes I forget to thank Jesus for the bigger story He is unfolding before me.  Though there was nothing that felt all that remarkable or anything, it was just sweet to rest in His affection. This is Him at work.

Returning to a place

I was asked recently to share a little about heading into my second year of life on mission in a different culture.Thought I'd share with you those thoughts:

Jesus isn’t a product that we take to another place.  The mission that Jesus invites us into when we are called out and become His people isn’t a project that we dream up. From the very beginning Jesus has been on mission to bring glory to the Father and call people from every nation, tribe and tongue to the fullest possible blessing to be found - worshiping God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength.  As I enter a second year in Helene, I see more and more the relational nature of how Jesus works in people.  He is concerned with process and making us whole. He is all about the culture of the Kingdom becoming ingrained in the lives of people. He is the one at work in Helene. He’s been here since the beginning. I just get to serve Him at this point, here.  

I see the contrast of the culture into which I was born against the culture of the Kingdom, and also the culture of Helene.  The instant nature of communication, results, reward; we expect things to follow a schedule and produce what they promised. However, this is not the way of discipleship. I am struck daily by the need to rest in the work of Jesus.  He is in a process with me, with my neighbors, with the community; a process of transformation.  It matters that we return to this island. It matters that we stay on a course of shared vision that it’s all about Jesus.  I am very blessed to continue on in Helene this year because I see the value of continued relationship with people for the sake of them (and myself) coming to worship Jesus more and more.  It’s through growing relationship that we get to share in life with people, know their story and the world view that shapes their lives.  It’s in that relationship we get to share the gospel - the good news that God’s kingdom is among us and the hope that it will someday be fully realized.  In relationship we learn to apply what Jesus has done to specific circumstances, showing how Jesus is better by far than anything else we would turn to.  

It’s wonderful, little by little, to understand more of Helene and the people here.  Just think of a social faux pas in your own culture. We make mistakes even at home in the context we are most familiar with. So in crossing cultures, it’s a constant learning process.  Just like we are learning the culture of Jesus as he works in us.  We are all relationally impoverished apart from the saving work of Jesus and the reconciliation he brings.  This is really important for me as I serve my neighbors. We are both broken.  Some in more physical or material ways, but we all need Jesus.  Through continued relationship building we can both pray for one other, speak the gospel to one another, see the redemption of Jesus together.  All glory be to Christ the King. 

Back in Helene

Good grief, I hadn't realized so much time had already slipped by!  We're into week three of being back in Helene.  It poured hard the first day or so, but since then it's been unseasonable hot, still and humid.  Very excited however that the weather seems to be hinting at a turn toward rain.  I would be grateful though if it held off just long enough for the construction team on my roof at this minute to finished sealing up the holes first.  I do, however, at present I have a mini-skylight.

There's a team of 6 here this week and next providing such needed assistance in maintaining our facility, as well as good community and laughs.  Most of them have been here multiple times over the years and have a heart to love and serve this island.  They are also learners, and as we share about crossing cultures, transformational community, and the missionary heart of God in sessions each morning, we are developing a curriculum that volunteers will engage with during their time with us.

The days are flying by with teacher training all afternoon everyday for the next two weeks.  Pray for these hardworking ladies who not only cook and clean and wash clothes by hand for their families with no modern appliances or prepared foods, but they also dedicate themselves to learning, teaching and completing a pretty intense training.  On top of that, some of them are also attending classes all day on Saturdays down-island to become certified teachers.