I remember as a little girl knowing God was out there and I’d dance and sing and pray to him. There was a feeling of security and unhindered being. I’m the oldest in my family and early on was told how grown up I was, how responsible. Somewhere I picked up that value came from acting a certain way that peopled called mature. It came from being responsible, not making mistakes, not acting like a kid. Soon added to that, was an early awareness of my appearance and the belief that it wasn’t right. I had a distorted idea of beauty, of self. And very early I shifted to living in a fearful, insecure state, unsure of love, never feeling that I belonged. I just was’t right for the world. Even in the midst of that I had a sense of God, but coupled with my fears, I felt an incredible sense of guilt that I’d just failed and didn’t measure up.
The distortions in my beliefs and sense of who I was made it impossible to be rightly oriented to relationships with anyone. Self, others, God. Family grew increasingly messy and eventually my folks split up. Identity was something never to actually grasp. I was desperate for rescue. I felt like I was suffocating. I struggled with suicidal thoughts. I believed lies and they took root in my heart and head of my “unworthiness”, failure, lack. Purpose, worth and acceptance were always somewhere “out there”, nebulous. I always fell short. I created stories, imagining being rescued, sought out, pursued. Or I would try to be the rescuer, the savior. Since I had such a bent toward feeling shame and a lot of religious pressure from my childhood, I found a cover up in volunteering and serving - it gave a sense of having a role, a place. At least I couldn’t be rejected for not contributing to mankind. I looked good on the outside. But I had no way to accept love or really love others.
I was a mess. I was emotionally all over the place. I was a train wreck in relationships. I’d get close and then pull back. It seemed every relationship ended in rejection. Never reconciliation. No one ever came back to pursue me. I believed all I was was something to be rejected; what I craved was acceptance. I’d cry out to God, and slowly, through many things in my life falling apart, he started to open my eyes. For me, it wasn’t a one moment, everything became clear and felt radically different for ever. kind of thing. I didn’t trust people. They always ended up rejecting and hurting me. I began to be aware that Jesus was building trust with me. Showing me HIS love. He started to take away things that I ran to to save me from my pain. At first this made me really upset and scared. But over time, I’m realizing the things he took away were really keeping me from actually knowing His love.
I knew a lot about Jesus and said I believed in him from the time I was really young, but it took a long time and a lot of hurting before I actually started to let him into my life in a way that began to change me. He was the savior I’d been dreaming of. He was the ultimate rescuer in every story. He is the one that risked everything to come find me, and save me. Jesus died on the cross. He paid for my unbelief, all the walls and barriers and distortions that my choosing lies caused in my soul. He broke the power of these lies, of the sinful patterns in my life - stealing, hiding, fantasizing. I came to know him as he ardently pursued my heart to bring Truth to shine, even at times when I’d revert to patterns of self-preservation. I began to respond and reach out and say “yes” to the life he offered me. He kept pursuing the unbelieving parts of my soul and keeps revealing roots of lies and sin so that relationship with him can be restored. I would come a little closer to him and see the beautiful effects and I’d want to give into it more, to fall to his wooing. The freedom he was offering me from everyone else’s claim on me was so sweet, and felt like I was finally breathing clean air.
Because of Jesus so much is changing in my life. As a result of my relationship with God becoming rightly aligned, I’m finding I can truly engage with people, love them without needing anything back. I can enjoy relationships without desperately seeking worth from them. I’m ever more resting in the truth that I belong to Jesus. That I am more loved than I ever dreamed possible. And out of that loved place, I can serve the world and the King who has rescued me. I’m coming to rest that He accomplishes His work, and I don’t have to strive out of my willpower to do something to please him. That he has purposes far beyond my just behaving “good”. Instead it’s about enjoying and resting in his GOODNESS. Jesus is becoming more and more the center of my awareness and existence, the focus of my life. I just want to be near him, hang out and learn of who he is. He’s showing me that I don’t have to upgrade the story of my life -my existence, my part in the world - by working hard in some way. Worth isn’t tied to my performance or behavior or appearance. Righteousness (“right-ness”) is mine fully because of Jesus. Shame is taken away. I’m accepted as his daughter, loved regardless of how the day goes. Hope, confidence, peace. All because of Jesus. He claimed my life and offered me His in return and it’s far more than anything I ever hope for. He is the rescuer I longed for.
It’s really a work in progress. Some days seem more a battle to leave behind the old ways than others, yet He continues that road of building trust and proving that I will not be cast off or rejected. That he is always with me.
