The Rescuer: Themes in a Story Retold

This last week as part of our staff/team morning meetings, we were asked to write in 1000 words or so about how God has worked in our lives. ( I've been wondering this week what I might share with you and will offer what resulted).  This type of thing, when it's not in a real-life conversation, often brings the "where do you start?" question, and how do you fit 30 years (or, 50, 60...) into a manageable recounting?  As I was praying and asking God what he is currently showing me, from my own little piece of story, He really highlighted a theme of a Rescuer, weaving it into how the story flowed.  I'd never seen so clearly some of the specific lies along this theme and how they hinder me from dwelling in the presence of God. Ultimately, he's magnifying how Jesus is and has proven to be always better.

 I remember as a little girl knowing God was out there and I’d dance and sing and pray to him. There was a feeling of security and unhindered being.  I’m the oldest in my family and early on was told how grown up I was, how responsible.  Somewhere I picked up that value came from acting a certain way that peopled called mature.  It came from being responsible, not making mistakes, not acting like a kid.  Soon added to that, was an early awareness of my appearance and the belief that it wasn’t right.  I had a distorted idea of beauty, of self.  And very early I shifted to living in a fearful, insecure state, unsure of love, never feeling that I belonged.  I just was’t right for the world.  Even in the midst of that I had a sense of God, but coupled with my fears, I felt an incredible sense of guilt that I’d just failed and didn’t measure up.

The distortions in my beliefs and sense of who I was made it impossible to be rightly oriented to relationships with anyone.  Self, others, God.  Family grew increasingly messy and eventually my folks split up.  Identity was something never to actually grasp.  I was desperate for rescue. I felt like I was suffocating. I struggled with suicidal thoughts. I believed lies and they took root in my heart and head of my “unworthiness”, failure, lack.  Purpose, worth and acceptance were always somewhere “out there”, nebulous.  I always fell short.  I created stories, imagining being rescued, sought out, pursued.  Or I would try to be the rescuer, the savior.  Since I had such a bent toward feeling shame and a lot of religious pressure from my childhood, I found a cover up in volunteering and serving - it gave a sense of having a role, a place.  At least I couldn’t be rejected for not contributing to mankind. I looked good on the outside.  But I had no way to accept love or really love others.  

I was a mess.  I was emotionally all over the place. I was a train wreck in relationships.  I’d get close and then pull back.  It seemed every relationship ended in rejection.  Never reconciliation. No one ever came back to pursue me.  I believed all I was was something to be rejected; what I craved was acceptance. I’d cry out to God, and slowly, through many things in my life falling apart, he started to open my eyes.  For me, it wasn’t a one moment, everything became clear and felt radically different for ever. kind of thing.  I didn’t trust people.  They always ended up rejecting and hurting me.  I began to be aware that Jesus was building trust with me.  Showing me HIS love.  He started to take away things that I ran to to save me from my pain.  At first this made me really upset and scared.  But over time, I’m realizing the things he took away were really keeping me from actually knowing His love.  

I knew a lot about Jesus and said I believed in him from the time I was really young, but it took a long time and a lot of hurting before I actually started to let him into my life in a way that began to change me.  He was the savior I’d been dreaming of. He was the ultimate rescuer in every story.  He is the one that risked everything to come find me, and save me.  Jesus died on the cross.  He paid for my unbelief, all the walls and barriers and distortions that my choosing lies caused in my soul.  He broke the power of these lies, of the sinful patterns in my life - stealing, hiding, fantasizing. I came to know him as he ardently pursued my heart to bring Truth to shine, even at times when I’d revert to patterns of self-preservation.   I began to respond and reach out and say “yes” to the life he offered me.  He kept pursuing the unbelieving parts of my soul and keeps revealing roots of lies and sin so that relationship with him can be restored.  I would come a little closer to him and see the beautiful effects and I’d want to give into it more, to fall to his wooing.  The freedom he was offering me from everyone else’s claim on me was so sweet, and felt like I was finally breathing clean air.  

Because of Jesus so much is changing in my life.  As a result of my relationship with God becoming rightly aligned, I’m finding I can truly engage with people, love them without needing anything back.  I can enjoy relationships without desperately seeking worth from them.  I’m ever more resting in the truth that I belong to Jesus. That I am more loved than I ever dreamed possible.  And out of that loved place, I can serve the world and the King who has rescued me.  I’m coming to rest that He accomplishes His work, and I don’t have to strive out of my willpower to do something to please him.  That he has purposes far beyond my just behaving “good”.  Instead it’s about enjoying and resting in his GOODNESS.  Jesus is becoming more and more the center of my awareness and existence, the focus of my life.  I just want to be near him, hang out and learn of who he is.  He’s showing me that I don’t have to upgrade the story of my life -my existence, my part in the world - by working hard in some way.  Worth isn’t tied to my performance or behavior or appearance.  Righteousness (“right-ness”) is mine fully because of Jesus. Shame is taken away.  I’m accepted as his daughter, loved regardless of how the day goes.  Hope, confidence, peace. All because of Jesus.  He claimed my life and offered me His in return and it’s far more than anything I ever hope for. He is the rescuer I longed for.  

It’s really a work in progress.  Some days seem more a battle to leave behind the old ways than others, yet He continues that road of building trust and proving that I will not be cast off or rejected.  That he is always with me.

Who doesn't love a rainy Saturday?

The sea was so still yesterday. Unusually so.  The clouds in the distance come nightfall: there are scenes here sometimes so startling that you'd think they were only possible in a CG rendering.  Strange for mid May to wake in the early hours needing a blanket.  A gentle rain had settled in and continues this morning.  Things are quiet and cool, a welcome respite this Saturday following a busy, hot week.  I have no problem hanging out with the houseplants this morning, catching up on the list of things that never quite gets done.  There were multiple parties in the school this week to celebrate Mother's Day.  The local community board is working on further developments at the Children's park next door.  Medical rounds in the community and working in the clinic.

Mid-week a lady came to the clinic.  She sat in my office for a while as we covered the needs and ailments.  This process is different than back in the states.  Patients rarely come out with everything right on the front end.  We chat and discuss one issue at a time, sometimes having to back track as new information surfaces throughout the conversation.  Often after handing out meds and getting things settled, a new piece of the story will surface.  After some time my patient began to express not only her physical  concerns, but opened up to share some anxieties and concerns she was having, opening up some very vulnerable places in her heart and that she desires to grow closer to the Lord.  She knew by heart a passage that she'd been reading this week.  So we spent some time discussing what the work of Jesus means for her situation and prayed together.  She feels convicted about some things in her life and the mis-understanding that her sin causes God to move away from her leaves her feeling hopeless, trying to be better but failing yet again.  Later in the week my intern and I discussed this further.  That while sin (choosing to live our way for our own glory vs. living His way for Him) breaks our fellowship with and enjoyment of the Father's love, it does not cast us out of family, out of relationship, if indeed we believe in Jesus for our righteousness.   This is very contrary to the religion of the island that says your behavior and performance merit you righteousness.  Pray for them.

A day called "today"

The moon so bright it casts shadows.  As Tuesday comes to a close, it's just been a sweet day.  I have all these intentions of sharing with you things that are happening, ways that we see God working, but usually the moment passes. Something comes up. And since I can't find a moment to write more than a snap-shot of the day, I just give up. Well today you get a snap-shot.  This will never do justice to it and I wish I could beam you over for an hour so you could taste the delicious breeze and soak in the laughter and squeals of school children.  Every day here is unpredictable.  Sure there may be some general patterns; sure school is scheduled between 1:30 and 5:00.  What takes place in the 24 hours called "today", well that is just always yet to be told.  Began the morning with my team as we prayed and got on the same page. (We're going through The Gospel Primer from Missio Publishing if you or your community is looking for a read).  Spent an hour or so with a friend for mutual exchanges of language, i.e. English class.  Then a sweet young lady stopped by to chat and being as she is deaf, we signed and laughed and caught up since our last time together.  Then there were trips to the medical clinic throughout the day as needs arose.  Some precious time teaching a math lesson in 2nd grade.  A random and lovely 10 minutes out at the playground with a lady and her baby. It was a gorgeous island afternoon with a cool breeze.  We've been working with her and praying; oh what joy to see her growing confidence, faith, efficacy and partnership.  One of my favorite moments today was coming out the door at recess and all the first graders are huddled at the feet of a vary animated 6 year old "reading" to them from Dr. Seuss.  It's now time to call it a day.  Hopeful that there will be no emergencies in the night.  Grateful to share in this day, in this play, with this community.  Sometimes I forget to thank Jesus for the bigger story He is unfolding before me.  Though there was nothing that felt all that remarkable or anything, it was just sweet to rest in His affection. This is Him at work.

Returning to a place

I was asked recently to share a little about heading into my second year of life on mission in a different culture.Thought I'd share with you those thoughts:

Jesus isn’t a product that we take to another place.  The mission that Jesus invites us into when we are called out and become His people isn’t a project that we dream up. From the very beginning Jesus has been on mission to bring glory to the Father and call people from every nation, tribe and tongue to the fullest possible blessing to be found - worshiping God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength.  As I enter a second year in Helene, I see more and more the relational nature of how Jesus works in people.  He is concerned with process and making us whole. He is all about the culture of the Kingdom becoming ingrained in the lives of people. He is the one at work in Helene. He’s been here since the beginning. I just get to serve Him at this point, here.  

I see the contrast of the culture into which I was born against the culture of the Kingdom, and also the culture of Helene.  The instant nature of communication, results, reward; we expect things to follow a schedule and produce what they promised. However, this is not the way of discipleship. I am struck daily by the need to rest in the work of Jesus.  He is in a process with me, with my neighbors, with the community; a process of transformation.  It matters that we return to this island. It matters that we stay on a course of shared vision that it’s all about Jesus.  I am very blessed to continue on in Helene this year because I see the value of continued relationship with people for the sake of them (and myself) coming to worship Jesus more and more.  It’s through growing relationship that we get to share in life with people, know their story and the world view that shapes their lives.  It’s in that relationship we get to share the gospel - the good news that God’s kingdom is among us and the hope that it will someday be fully realized.  In relationship we learn to apply what Jesus has done to specific circumstances, showing how Jesus is better by far than anything else we would turn to.  

It’s wonderful, little by little, to understand more of Helene and the people here.  Just think of a social faux pas in your own culture. We make mistakes even at home in the context we are most familiar with. So in crossing cultures, it’s a constant learning process.  Just like we are learning the culture of Jesus as he works in us.  We are all relationally impoverished apart from the saving work of Jesus and the reconciliation he brings.  This is really important for me as I serve my neighbors. We are both broken.  Some in more physical or material ways, but we all need Jesus.  Through continued relationship building we can both pray for one other, speak the gospel to one another, see the redemption of Jesus together.  All glory be to Christ the King. 

Back in Helene

Good grief, I hadn't realized so much time had already slipped by!  We're into week three of being back in Helene.  It poured hard the first day or so, but since then it's been unseasonable hot, still and humid.  Very excited however that the weather seems to be hinting at a turn toward rain.  I would be grateful though if it held off just long enough for the construction team on my roof at this minute to finished sealing up the holes first.  I do, however, at present I have a mini-skylight.

There's a team of 6 here this week and next providing such needed assistance in maintaining our facility, as well as good community and laughs.  Most of them have been here multiple times over the years and have a heart to love and serve this island.  They are also learners, and as we share about crossing cultures, transformational community, and the missionary heart of God in sessions each morning, we are developing a curriculum that volunteers will engage with during their time with us.

The days are flying by with teacher training all afternoon everyday for the next two weeks.  Pray for these hardworking ladies who not only cook and clean and wash clothes by hand for their families with no modern appliances or prepared foods, but they also dedicate themselves to learning, teaching and completing a pretty intense training.  On top of that, some of them are also attending classes all day on Saturdays down-island to become certified teachers.

Thoughts on Missional Family

In a few weeks I'm returning to my home on a 5 square mile island. Over the past weeks I've enjoyed sharing in community and life with many friends and newly acquainted folks.  Community. Family. It's a topic Jesus has been teaching me some amazing stuff on throughout the year. At this time, three of us are going back to the island to join with just a handful of folks to live on mission in the place God has us. We've been praying for more staff.And then the Spirit totally spoke into my disordered perspective.  It's so easy to start to think we need more people because there's lots to do. (Don't get me wrong, there's loads to do). But at this point this little missional community needs more people in order to be what it was saved for. Jesus is saving us-together. He transform us -together. We demonstrate the gospel and his love as we do life - together. He sends us into mission -together.  Whether people within the physical location, or folks that move to join us, we need people so we can be a family together, disciple together, be sanctified together, demonstrate love together, live on mission together, see the kingdom break through...together.  It's changed how I pray: that our family would grow so others might see how amazing our Dad is.

Crab Hunting

Under a bright full moon on a breezy dark night we headed off to the shoreline with a group of children armed with flashlights and a big flour sack. Amid the washed up debris and mangrove trees, under abandoned buildings and an old dock, we were on a mission to hunt for crabs.  Imagine being 5 -7 years old and participating as a primary means of hunting crabs, fishing and diving for conch so your family might have enough to eat. With all the fun to be had, for these kids this wasn't just about a good time, but the possibility of good dinner the next day.   I wish I could describe in words so you could hear the voices of the children, their island dialect and cheering, their encouragement to one another and the slightly poetic grammatical flow of the island.  It's not easy for little hands to apprehend big carbs with giant pinching claws.  It's quite a clamorous event, but once the crab is contained and proudly dropped into the flour sack, little faces swell with pride and boast of how big that one was while others offer their congratulating agreement. 


It’s hard to believe, but we have reached that day where the 1 month countdown has begun.  Flights are booked out of Roatan on November 23rd.  It struck me as I sat on the wood deck with the kids before school playing UNO how much I am going to miss them, and it seems strange at this point to step away from Helene and in just a few hours return to a completely different place. Hair dryers come to mind.  And this is the longest I’ve ever gone without driving a car.  

Some afternoons a child will just ask to do Bible study with, desiring to just sit on the deck and read verses together.  Partnerships with churches in the US are leading to increased discipleship and pastoral training for leaders in the island. And more than ever I see how God has put his people in a body, put us together to be unified for His purpose of making his glory and kingdom known throughout the earth.   

English school is in the middle of finals this week.  We are waiting for the rainy season to begin any day now, and thankfully the clinic has slowed down after a few weeks of rampant illness throughout the island of varying diagnoses.  I was not exempt and found myself knocked off my feet for a few days, just when a team from my home church came into town.  Regardless, what a wonderful week it was, full of laughter, song and a little dancing.  The team hosted a singing contest which brought the largest turnout from all over the island than any event anyone could remember.  

As we wrap up in the coming weeks for a visit to family and friend, I am also making preparations and looking ahead.  I believe God is calling me to stay in Helene so my time in the states will be full of many things.  I ask you to pray with me and our team as we prepare for the transitions ahead and as we seek Jesus to show us his plans for the coming year, make a way for financial provision, and direct us in how HE desires to work in the island and in us.  Thank you for your prayers, partnership and support  as you share in the ministry here in Helene.